Ways to Help When a Loved One Hides Their Incontinence

Dealing with incontinence can be challenging—for both the person living with dementia and the people caring for them. It’s not just about the physical side of things; it can bring feelings of embarrassment, frustration, and even shame. But with the right approach, you can help your loved one maintain their dignity while keeping them as comfortable as possible.

Why Toileting Becomes Difficult in Dementia

As dementia progresses, everyday tasks—like recognising the need to go to the toilet or remembering where the bathroom is—can become more confusing. Your loved one might not notice the urge to go, forget the steps involved in using the toilet, or struggle with clothing fastenings.

For Caregivers, this can be one of the most sensitive challenges to navigate. It’s important to remember that accidents aren’t deliberate, and feelings of embarrassment or denial can make it difficult for your loved one to ask for help.

The Emotional Side of Incontinence

Toileting problems don’t just affect a person physically—they can take a big emotional toll too. Many people with dementia go to great lengths to hide accidents because they feel ashamed or afraid of being judged. They might:

• Deny they’ve had an accident – Even when it’s clear they need help.
• Avoid drinking fluids – To prevent accidents, which can lead to dehydration.
• Try to manage things on their own – Which might mean hiding soiled clothes or pads.

As a Caregiver, responding with kindness and reassurance can help ease their anxiety. A calm, matter-of-fact approach can make them feel safe rather than embarrassed.

Why Do Some People Hide Pads or Soiled Items?

It’s surprisingly common for people with dementia to hide incontinence products or soiled clothing. This can happen for a few reasons:

• They don’t realise they’ve had an accident – They may forget what happened or not recognise the mess.
• They feel ashamed – Hiding things can be their way of trying to maintain control.
• They forget what to do with used pads – If they can’t remember where to put them, they might stash them somewhere instead.

These hidden items can turn up in unexpected places—under the bed, in drawers, or tucked inside handbags. While it can be frustrating to find them, approaching the situation with understanding (rather than frustration) will make it easier for both of you.

How to Handle Hidden Pads or Accidents

Finding soiled items can be unpleasant, but try not to make your loved one feel bad about it. Instead:

• Check common hiding places regularly – Without making a big deal of it.
• Gently encourage proper disposal – You could say, “Let’s pop this in the bin together,” rather than pointing out that they’ve hidden something.
• Use discreet disposal bins – Having a designated bin in the bathroom or bedroom can help.
• Keep an eye on their routine – If you notice certain times of the day when they tend to have accidents, gentle reminders to use the toilet can help.

Overcoming Denial and Resistance

If your loved one refuses to acknowledge their toileting issues, don’t force the conversation. Instead, try:

• Gentle reminders – Instead of saying, “You need to go to the toilet,” try, “Let’s freshen up before lunch.”
• Making the toilet easy to find – Clear signage and leaving the door open can help them remember where it is.
• Establishing a routine – Encouraging toilet visits at regular times (e.g., after meals) can reduce accidents.

The Role of Sensory Decline

Dementia doesn’t just affect memory—it can also change how people experience smell, taste, and bodily sensations. Some people might not realise they need to go to the toilet, while others might not notice if their clothes are wet.

To help with this:

• Check in regularly – A simple, “Let’s go freshen up,” can be a gentle prompt.
• Make hygiene easier – Warm wipes, comfortable clothing, and easy-to-use incontinence products can make personal care feel less overwhelming.

Maintaining Their Dignity

Toileting problems can be incredibly distressing for someone with dementia, so keeping their dignity intact is key. Here are a few ways to do that:

• Keep things private – If you need to help, do so discreetly and in a quiet space.
• Use reassuring language – Saying, “Let’s get you comfy,” rather than pointing out an accident can make a big difference.
• Let them be as independent as possible – Offering support without taking over can help them maintain confidence.
• Choose clothes that are easy to manage – Elastic waistbands or Velcro fastenings can reduce frustration.

How to Handle Pad Changes with Sensitivity

Changing incontinence products can be a delicate situation. Here’s how to make it easier:

1. Have everything ready – Keep wipes, clean pads, and disposal bags nearby so there’s no delay.
2. Use reassuring words – A simple, “Let’s get you freshened up,” can help prevent embarrassment.
3. Keep soiled items out of sight – Disposing of them discreetly stops your loved one from feeling self-conscious.
4. Make it part of a normal routine – Associating pad changes with dressing in the morning or before bed can make them feel more natural.

Communication Tips: Talking About Incontinence Without Embarrassment

Discussing incontinence can feel awkward, but using the right language can make it easier. Instead of asking, “Do you need a pad change?” try:

• “Shall we pop to the bathroom before we head out?”
• “Let’s freshen up so you’re more comfortable.”
• “I’ve got some lovely soft wipes here for you.”

Keeping things relaxed and matter-of-fact can help your loved one feel more at ease.

FAQs: Supporting a Loved One with Incontinence and Dementia

What should I do if my loved one refuses to use the toilet?
Try to make bathroom visits part of their routine, rather than waiting until they need to go. Gentle prompts like, “Let’s pop to the toilet before we go for a walk,” can encourage them without feeling forced. If they’re resisting, check if something is making them uncomfortable—like a cold seat or difficulty with clothing.

How can I talk to my loved one about incontinence without embarrassing them?
Use soft, reassuring language and avoid making a big deal of accidents. Instead of focusing on the issue, keep the conversation about comfort: “Let’s get you freshened up so you feel better.” It also helps to introduce products gradually, so they don’t feel overwhelmed.

Are there specific products designed for people with dementia?
Yes! There are incontinence products designed to be more discreet, as well as easy-to-use clothing like pull-up pads and Velcro-fastened trousers. Some even have wetness indicators to help Caregivers know when a change is needed.

How can I make sure my loved one’s dignity is protected?
Always offer help in a private, quiet way. Let them do as much as they can by themselves, and use kind, reassuring words to prevent embarrassment. Disposing of soiled items quickly and discreetly can also help.

Where can I find more support as a Caregiver?
There are plenty of resources available, from dementia support groups to online forums where you can connect with other Caregivers. Speaking with others who’ve been in the same situation can be a huge source of comfort and advice.

Caring for someone with incontinence can be tough, but with patience, sensitivity, and a few small adjustments, you can help your loved one feel safe, respected, and comfortable. Remember, you’re doing an amazing job—every act of kindness and care makes a real difference.

Jayne Vale

Jayne is a highly experienced dementia care specialist with over 17 years in the field. She began her career in 2004, progressing through roles such as hourly visiting carer, coordinator in the live-in care department, and lead dementia trainer. Jayne completed Specialist Practice in Dementia (Mental Health) at Worcester University and has developed bespoke dementia training for managers, carers, and family members.

Recognised for her contributions, Jayne received the National Dementia Care Personality award at the Great British Care Awards 2012. She has also been a speaker at numerous conferences and reviewed dementia-related publications.

Now with Unique Senior Care, Jayne works as a recruitment consultant, recruiting carers both in the UK and overseas, contributing to dementia training for both staff and families. Jayne’s dedication to compassionate, person-centred dementia care is evident in her extensive experience and numerous achievements.