Listening vs Fixing: What People Actually Need When They’re Struggling

When someone you love is struggling, your first instinct is often to help. You want to solve the problem. Make things better. Find the answer.

But what if the person does not actually need a solution right away? Whether you are supporting an ageing parent, a partner, or a friend, there are times when what somebody needs most is not for their problem to be fixed. They need to feel heard.

In this episode of The Care Podcast, Jo Cleary speaks with Lucy Owen, Director of People at Unique Senior Care, about the role listening plays in building trust, supporting emotional wellbeing, and helping people feel understood. Together, they explore why listening is one of the most important skills in care, particularly when someone is distressed, resistant to help, or facing difficult changes in later life.

Why listening matters more than we often realise

Most of us think we are good listeners. But genuine listening is more than simply hearing what somebody says. It means paying attention to their words, their emotions, and sometimes the things they are not saying at all.

Lucy explains that good care starts with curiosity rather than assumptions. Instead of deciding what somebody needs, great Caregivers take time to ask questions, understand preferences, and involve people in decisions about their own care.

This approach helps people feel respected and valued, particularly when they may already feel like aspects of their independence are changing. For many older adults, being listened to is not simply nice to have. It is essential to maintaining dignity and control.

Listening is about more than words

Communication is not always verbal. Sometimes people tell us directly when they are worried, upset, or struggling. Other times, the signs are much more subtle.

A person may become quieter than usual. They may withdraw from activities they normally enjoy. Their home environment may look different. Their mood might change.

Lucy explains that good Caregivers learn to notice these small changes because they often provide important clues about how somebody is feeling.

This means paying attention to:

• changes in mood or behaviour
• body language and facial expressions
• signs of anxiety or distress
• changes in routine
• the condition of someone's home environment
• things that feel out of character for that individual

Listening, in many ways, starts with observation.

Why trying to fix everything can sometimes make things worse

When someone is upset, it is natural to want to jump straight into problem-solving mode. Families often do this because they care deeply.

If your mum seems lonely, you find activities for her. If your dad is struggling at home, you arrange care. If a loved one seems low, you immediately start looking for solutions.

The challenge is that people are more likely to accept support when they feel understood first. When somebody feels that decisions are being made for them rather than with them, they can become resistant. They may shut down conversations or reject help entirely.

Lucy talks about the importance of understanding the reasons behind someone's concerns before trying to solve them. Often, what looks like resistance is actually fear, uncertainty, embarrassment, or anxiety.

The more we understand those feelings, the easier it becomes to work together towards solutions.

How listening helps when someone is resistant to care

One of the most valuable parts of the conversation focuses on situations where an older relative does not want care. This is something many families experience.

You may be worried about safety, medication, nutrition, or loneliness. From your perspective, arranging care feels like the obvious answer. But your loved one may see things very differently. They may worry about losing independence. They may feel uncomfortable having somebody in their home. They may have misconceptions about what care actually involves.

Lucy encourages families to stay curious rather than becoming frustrated. Instead of trying to convince somebody immediately, ask questions.

Try to understand:

• what concerns them about care
• what support they would actually welcome
• what independence means to them
• what they want life to look like in the future

Sometimes people imagine care means someone moving into their home permanently. Once they understand that support can start with something as simple as companionship, meal preparation, or help getting out into the community, their perspective often changes.

The goal is not to win an argument. The goal is to understand each other.

Supporting someone through emotional struggles

Listening becomes even more important when somebody is experiencing emotional difficulties. Whether they are grieving, feeling isolated, coping with health changes, or struggling with anxiety, people often need space to express what they are feeling without immediately being offered solutions.

Lucy explains that support should never stop at simply noticing concerns. When something feels wrong, it is important to act.

This may involve:

• sharing concerns with other members of the care team
• speaking with family members
• seeking guidance from healthcare professionals
• adjusting support to meet changing needs

The key is that listening should lead to understanding, and understanding should lead to action where appropriate.

Why trust is built through small actions

One theme runs throughout the entire conversation: trust. Trust is not built through grand gestures. It develops through consistency. It grows when somebody feels listened to, respected, and involved.

Lucy explains that often the smallest actions make the biggest difference. Following through on something you promised. Remembering a preference. Taking concerns seriously. Giving somebody space when they need it.

These moments show people that their thoughts and feelings matter. And when trust grows, care becomes a partnership rather than something that is being done to someone.

What this means for you as a family

When someone you love is struggling, your instinct may be to fix things as quickly as possible. But often, the most helpful first step is simply listening.

Listening without interrupting. Listening without assuming. Listening without immediately searching for answers.

By taking time to understand what somebody is thinking, feeling, and worrying about, you create the foundation for better conversations, stronger relationships, and more meaningful support.

Whether you are talking about care, health concerns, or everyday challenges, people are far more likely to accept help when they feel genuinely heard.

Sometimes listening is not the first step towards solving a problem. Sometimes it is the solution itself.

Continuing the conversation

If you are navigating the care journey, you may find it helpful to explore more episodes of The Care Podcast, where families and care professionals speak honestly about the realities of care.

If you are thinking about support for yourself or someone you love, our team is here to talk things through. Helping families make sense of care is what we do.

You may also find our Care Advice Hub useful, where we share practical guidance for families at every stage of their care journey.